Sunday night supper!

Just had supper with William, and boy does it feel good to get outta th house proper since being cooped up in here over the weekend. Got to chat over some nice kway chap...and a good chat since he shares rather similar sentiments about Melbourne too, or that he misses that place as much as I do...!




The usual gripes about work, and life in general, and how measly our actions are...sometimes it's best not to contemplate it. One can go a little mad worrying about the future. I realize I was happiest, or at least most people are, when just taking things on a day to day basis. It just felt good to be able to let off some steam to a fellow friend who shared the sentiments I felt too, really. :)

Called Mel earlier too, after having not msged her the whole day. She did msg only at night, just to say 'how are u?'. I know it's petty, but even that sentence gave me hopes and disappointments: hopes that she msged at all, and disappointment at why she hadn't msged earlier, and why so short! Still, It was good to hear her voice for awhile. Certainly made my Sunday evening that much brighter.

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Saturday Saturday.

So I'm lying on the sofa, still trying to iron out th bugs. Been pissing out of my ass since thurs morning. Still havnt recovered yet...you know that semi-conscious delirious state that one gets when one is sick and tired..? It can be pretty fun..ur mind takes u places.

Been thinking a fair bit too, so much to put down, where and why should I even try? There's no immediate solution to th conundrums and questions in my mind. Mel is never too far from my thoughts either...I just reread 'Blankets', and I it speaks to me a little more poignantly than this many years ago when I first bought it. All things end, how and when is simply another matter. Of course, every end is another beginning elsewhere. It's not easy to fully accept. I think I can understand but not accept it, that's th hard part. Letting go...

I keep hoping that things will change, that if I do my best, she will see. Optimistic foolish idiot of me right? In my heart I know...but I cant help but hope. Hope has always been my best friend and worst enemy. Things arnt...don't work that way in real life. Early bird doesn't always get the worm, happy endings arnt real, and there is no queen of England...! Yeah I'm kidding on the last bit...(Megamind movie)

I do miss Australia/Melbourne alot. The place, mostly, not a day goes by I don't reminisce about my time there. Who would have thought, that one could fall in love with a place and country? Certainly I didn't! It's beautiful countrysides, unpredictable crazy weather, diverse peoples, good, bad, ugly, plain whack jobs and well, beautiful girls too...! The quaint little cafes tucked away in some quiet alleyway, the way that the golden sunlight sifts through the leaves, creating this myriad of colors: bright green, yellow, orange and reds.




Theres so much history in the streets, old old buildings, from Victorian times. With brand new glass and concrete giants built around them sometimes, to preserve them.


A walk out into the suburbs is also a treat, just to take a leisurely stroll, and feel totally relaxed and at peace. The slow pace of life does get in the way of things sometimes, but, I can live with that!

I miss that little cafe, very much. The one called Fandango down on Errol st. The place where Joyce first introduced me to, and where I brought Mel too. It's special to me...and her too.




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Ugh.

Really really bad diarrhea. I've spent th last 24 hours pissing out of my rear end, and well, it's...feeling kinda sore. Think I probably won't want to pack any more of my ol man's 'san mee' in th near future. Ooh...:C

Still agonizing over what to make of mel, and what to do. As of now, I feel a little more distant, but still all she needed to do was send a nice msg to get me enthralled with her again. I can't help but think back to th times we shared, the good times. The intimate moments. Sentosa. Her room in Melbourne. Her bed. How can someone give that part of herself and still be cold at times? How can this fool let go?

On a different note, just having finally caught Tron, it...is...awesome! Granted th plot is kinda flimsy, but the atmosphere and the special gfx were astounding. I enjoyed watching it very much.


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Sometimes all I wanna do is disappear

Sounds kinda angsty doesn't it? To want to disappear away from the world...or maybe just leave it behind. No, im not thinking of doing THAT, but I do contemplate if people that mattered to me would even care if I left this plane of existence, much less their lives. Part of my sometimes wonders if I died, it would be nothingness: no more heart ache, no more pain, no more stress, no more shit to worry about. But it also means no more hope, or anything at all.

I feel so damn tired of everything. Mentally tired...Of the whole charade with Mel, of keeping up with th demands of the job, of living back here with my folks...of life in general.

Mel...what can I say? One day she loves me, the next she doesn't. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How the heck can I let go of her from my life?? I really do love her, but she makes it so. Damn. Hard. She doesn't want a r/s, fine. I'm trying to keep it real, but she has this way of making my heart melt. Even if we did get together at some point, I feel like she would leave me if someone better came along....or she might give herself to some guy if she fancied him enough, and he pressed the right buttons at the right time. I feel like such a loser for loving her, I've done everything I can so far to accommodate to her every nuance and whim...it's just not enough to make her see me as someone that she wants to be with. And I should accept that she can be a total bitch on occasion, and she's spoilt, has sociopathic tendencies, unpredictable and even emotionless at times. She doesn't really care hoe I feel, like now! She hasn't even msged back. She simply doesn't give a fuck.
And why did I love her...? Still kinda love her? I just don't know...I just keep getting hurt by her. Is it too much to ask for someone simply to love me as much as I love her? Is it?

I do enjoy my job, admittedly much less driven than I was three, four years ago. But I find that I'm lacking that passion to push myself now, sometimes I just want to get a project over and done with. It's hard to want to push myself to do better, when sometimes everything I do always has some flaw here and there just waiting to be picked up.
And laziness after work hours is a problem I can't seem to nip in th butt either...I just have no mood to do anything mote related to work after hours...I just want to relax and take it easy.

The people and places around me offer little solace, and I feel very stifled and constricted by everything. Unlike the phrase, "my body may be shackled, nut my mind wanders free", I feel like I am experiencing the opposite. Am I thinking too much? Part of me is afraid of losing it, and just snapping one day.

I really wish that things would get better, but I don't see how. At least my right now...I'd like to believe that if I work at stuff hard enough and try to hold out long enough, it'll all turn around at some point.

I soldier on, simply because I see no alternative right now. Maybe one day this will all end me, or I might end this. I'm tired.




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