Saturday Saturday.

So I'm lying on the sofa, still trying to iron out th bugs. Been pissing out of my ass since thurs morning. Still havnt recovered yet...you know that semi-conscious delirious state that one gets when one is sick and tired..? It can be pretty fun..ur mind takes u places.

Been thinking a fair bit too, so much to put down, where and why should I even try? There's no immediate solution to th conundrums and questions in my mind. Mel is never too far from my thoughts either...I just reread 'Blankets', and I it speaks to me a little more poignantly than this many years ago when I first bought it. All things end, how and when is simply another matter. Of course, every end is another beginning elsewhere. It's not easy to fully accept. I think I can understand but not accept it, that's th hard part. Letting go...

I keep hoping that things will change, that if I do my best, she will see. Optimistic foolish idiot of me right? In my heart I know...but I cant help but hope. Hope has always been my best friend and worst enemy. Things arnt...don't work that way in real life. Early bird doesn't always get the worm, happy endings arnt real, and there is no queen of England...! Yeah I'm kidding on the last bit...(Megamind movie)

I do miss Australia/Melbourne alot. The place, mostly, not a day goes by I don't reminisce about my time there. Who would have thought, that one could fall in love with a place and country? Certainly I didn't! It's beautiful countrysides, unpredictable crazy weather, diverse peoples, good, bad, ugly, plain whack jobs and well, beautiful girls too...! The quaint little cafes tucked away in some quiet alleyway, the way that the golden sunlight sifts through the leaves, creating this myriad of colors: bright green, yellow, orange and reds.




Theres so much history in the streets, old old buildings, from Victorian times. With brand new glass and concrete giants built around them sometimes, to preserve them.


A walk out into the suburbs is also a treat, just to take a leisurely stroll, and feel totally relaxed and at peace. The slow pace of life does get in the way of things sometimes, but, I can live with that!

I miss that little cafe, very much. The one called Fandango down on Errol st. The place where Joyce first introduced me to, and where I brought Mel too. It's special to me...and her too.




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Ugh.

Really really bad diarrhea. I've spent th last 24 hours pissing out of my rear end, and well, it's...feeling kinda sore. Think I probably won't want to pack any more of my ol man's 'san mee' in th near future. Ooh...:C

Still agonizing over what to make of mel, and what to do. As of now, I feel a little more distant, but still all she needed to do was send a nice msg to get me enthralled with her again. I can't help but think back to th times we shared, the good times. The intimate moments. Sentosa. Her room in Melbourne. Her bed. How can someone give that part of herself and still be cold at times? How can this fool let go?

On a different note, just having finally caught Tron, it...is...awesome! Granted th plot is kinda flimsy, but the atmosphere and the special gfx were astounding. I enjoyed watching it very much.


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Sometimes all I wanna do is disappear

Sounds kinda angsty doesn't it? To want to disappear away from the world...or maybe just leave it behind. No, im not thinking of doing THAT, but I do contemplate if people that mattered to me would even care if I left this plane of existence, much less their lives. Part of my sometimes wonders if I died, it would be nothingness: no more heart ache, no more pain, no more stress, no more shit to worry about. But it also means no more hope, or anything at all.

I feel so damn tired of everything. Mentally tired...Of the whole charade with Mel, of keeping up with th demands of the job, of living back here with my folks...of life in general.

Mel...what can I say? One day she loves me, the next she doesn't. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How the heck can I let go of her from my life?? I really do love her, but she makes it so. Damn. Hard. She doesn't want a r/s, fine. I'm trying to keep it real, but she has this way of making my heart melt. Even if we did get together at some point, I feel like she would leave me if someone better came along....or she might give herself to some guy if she fancied him enough, and he pressed the right buttons at the right time. I feel like such a loser for loving her, I've done everything I can so far to accommodate to her every nuance and whim...it's just not enough to make her see me as someone that she wants to be with. And I should accept that she can be a total bitch on occasion, and she's spoilt, has sociopathic tendencies, unpredictable and even emotionless at times. She doesn't really care hoe I feel, like now! She hasn't even msged back. She simply doesn't give a fuck.
And why did I love her...? Still kinda love her? I just don't know...I just keep getting hurt by her. Is it too much to ask for someone simply to love me as much as I love her? Is it?

I do enjoy my job, admittedly much less driven than I was three, four years ago. But I find that I'm lacking that passion to push myself now, sometimes I just want to get a project over and done with. It's hard to want to push myself to do better, when sometimes everything I do always has some flaw here and there just waiting to be picked up.
And laziness after work hours is a problem I can't seem to nip in th butt either...I just have no mood to do anything mote related to work after hours...I just want to relax and take it easy.

The people and places around me offer little solace, and I feel very stifled and constricted by everything. Unlike the phrase, "my body may be shackled, nut my mind wanders free", I feel like I am experiencing the opposite. Am I thinking too much? Part of me is afraid of losing it, and just snapping one day.

I really wish that things would get better, but I don't see how. At least my right now...I'd like to believe that if I work at stuff hard enough and try to hold out long enough, it'll all turn around at some point.

I soldier on, simply because I see no alternative right now. Maybe one day this will all end me, or I might end this. I'm tired.




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:: 110225, Friday ::

So it's th weekend, well kinda. Stayed over in th office since wed night, always feels...liberating somehow, to be away from home and back in the reigns of my own comings and goings.



Anyhow, it's Friday...was Friday. Went for km class as per usual; learnt technique for groin kicks. Like how th book described: body leans back (diagonally from striking leg) and knee goes up, and leg snaps to follow through target's groin. Foot in relaxed or tensed (ball of foot to contact) depending on range and desired strike. Points to note or reminder to self:

- situational awareness...! Be aware of subsequent threats and people.

- range and distance: determines th strike type or reaction.

Also, this is lesson 1 of th current batch of 10.

And now, about th light and sometimes pain in my life..! Seems like her arrangement for lodgings with the other two have sorta fallen through. But she's still saying with Melissa at rathdoene once they can move in. Geez, she was in such a grumpy mood, given that it is her time of the month AND th current situation. Sometimes I don't know how to react to her when she's intuit kinda mood. She doesn't reciprocate well to niceness too sometimes, and she just gets snappy. Grrr* grrr*

Can't ever stay angry at her though, its strange. And I just want her to be happy and have less worries on her mind. I'm still mildly jealous of th guy friend who's gonna head up to melb to visit her for a whole month...! Bastard. *sigh* but then, I can't jump to conclusions, and I have to learn to trust her. Not like I can do anything about it anyway...

Still, I'd like to visit her in Melbourne sometime. I miss spending the days with her in th Melbourne sun, walking down th boulevards with the lovely trees and cool weather. Such lovely days they were, and such a great place to fall in love to. I can only hope she feels the same for me one day...I just hope it's not too late when she does. :')

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Rock Band!

Rockin it out in the office...




Makes me miss th good times in Melbourne with the gang.

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Location:Tanjong Katong Rd,,Singapore

:: 110222 ::

It's a Tuesday...! Pretty uneventful sides th hard jog during lunch. Feels good to get out under th sun and perspire, push my limits when I can. Think I might go for a short jog later tonight again, but with my paintball vest weighted with water bottles...just to train...

Anyhoo, Mel and I are talking like how we were when I left Melbourne last November, cept that our roles are kinda switched. ;p I miss her very much, but I afraid of falling into th same hole that always comes up with her: given enough time, she usually loses interest or doesn't think about me anymore...

Call it prudence, call it paranoia, call it fear or worry, I just am afraid of letting her bring me up high, and letting me fall again. Granted I partly am also at fault for letting her string me along at her pace.

...one does illogical and stupid things when one is in love with someone else. I am dumb, I must admit. I should let her go and go my own way, but I don't want to leave her web she needs me...although ironically, I always needed her and wanted her more.

I miss the smell of her hair, the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips...I do miss her so much still.
Granted it's not as bad as last Sunday night, hoo, that was miserable. (:'\

Oh well...that's it for now I guess.
Out.

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Location:Mountbatten Rd,,Singapore

Leaving on a jetplane...110220

And so I'm finally back here...! It's been awhile since I blogged over anything. Good to keep a diary of events too I guess.

Biggest (and saddest) thing in my life now? Mel had gone back to Melbourne. We didn't resolve anything about our relationship(given that we rant together either) , but at least we left it on a somewhat positive note. We almost didn't!

Given how she says that I always ask questions to get the answers I want to hear, I'm afraid she is right on that point. Which just reinforces my point that she is pointedly shrewd at observing people if she chooses to reveal and speak her mind. I had to coax her to come out and speak to me, and pull her back so she wouldn't just walk away from me and leave it in that intolerable and depressing situation.

So, it was a last long warm hug, of which I was reluctant to let go of her, and a few final loving kisses...and I walked away from her, as she stood in the doorway to close th door. My last image of Mel is her blowing a kiss as I walked away...

And a few hours later, as I was on th way home from th airport seeing another friend off, I was awash with this most deep and depressing sense of sadness. I missed her terribly terribly much...despite how she treats me at times, and how volatile her attitude can be, or how spooky and fickle she is, I realize and know that I deeply and truly care for her. She says she wants us to just go with the flow, and that being th unknown for th future. There is no guarantee in life anyways, and at her age, I can understand that. Was I not so carefree about relationships just a year it two ago? Perhaps it's karma, perhaps it's that cruel irony in life...all I know is, whatever the flow I'm supposed to go with, right now, right bloody now, I miss her and want her so badly.

Mel, you've stolen part of my heart, and then some of soul too.
...and I want u to treasure them, if u would only see what you mean to me.



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Location:Singapore