Sounds kinda angsty doesn't it? To want to disappear away from the world...or maybe just leave it behind. No, im not thinking of doing THAT, but I do contemplate if people that mattered to me would even care if I left this plane of existence, much less their lives. Part of my sometimes wonders if I died, it would be nothingness: no more heart ache, no more pain, no more stress, no more shit to worry about. But it also means no more hope, or anything at all.
I feel so damn tired of everything. Mentally tired...Of the whole charade with Mel, of keeping up with th demands of the job, of living back here with my folks...of life in general.
Mel...what can I say? One day she loves me, the next she doesn't. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How the heck can I let go of her from my life?? I really do love her, but she makes it so. Damn. Hard. She doesn't want a r/s, fine. I'm trying to keep it real, but she has this way of making my heart melt. Even if we did get together at some point, I feel like she would leave me if someone better came along....or she might give herself to some guy if she fancied him enough, and he pressed the right buttons at the right time. I feel like such a loser for loving her, I've done everything I can so far to accommodate to her every nuance and whim...it's just not enough to make her see me as someone that she wants to be with. And I should accept that she can be a total bitch on occasion, and she's spoilt, has sociopathic tendencies, unpredictable and even emotionless at times. She doesn't really care hoe I feel, like now! She hasn't even msged back. She simply doesn't give a fuck.
And why did I love her...? Still kinda love her? I just don't know...I just keep getting hurt by her. Is it too much to ask for someone simply to love me as much as I love her? Is it?
I do enjoy my job, admittedly much less driven than I was three, four years ago. But I find that I'm lacking that passion to push myself now, sometimes I just want to get a project over and done with. It's hard to want to push myself to do better, when sometimes everything I do always has some flaw here and there just waiting to be picked up.
And laziness after work hours is a problem I can't seem to nip in th butt either...I just have no mood to do anything mote related to work after hours...I just want to relax and take it easy.
The people and places around me offer little solace, and I feel very stifled and constricted by everything. Unlike the phrase, "my body may be shackled, nut my mind wanders free", I feel like I am experiencing the opposite. Am I thinking too much? Part of me is afraid of losing it, and just snapping one day.
I really wish that things would get better, but I don't see how. At least my right now...I'd like to believe that if I work at stuff hard enough and try to hold out long enough, it'll all turn around at some point.
I soldier on, simply because I see no alternative right now. Maybe one day this will all end me, or I might end this. I'm tired.
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